Like any other red-blooded American college student, you see spring break as a glimmering reminder that the darkness of midterm stress and seasonal affective disorder will soon be washed away in beachy sunlight. And lucky for you, it’s finally here! You’ll be interested to know that in my not-too-distant college years I discovered you can judge a person pretty well by their choice of spring break destination. So join me now, readers, as I do just that: judge you.

Allow me to preface this piece by saying that I’ve personally experienced all of these spring break destinations, so everything I say about you in relation to them is 110% rock solid fact based completely on my biased observations.

Anywhere along the Gulf of Mexico

If you can remember anything from that 9 a.m. American Lit 101 lecture freshman year, you’ll recall that writers often send their characters south so they can run amok and have a raw encounter with their subconscious. What a coincidence, because you go south to run amok as well — but rather than delve into your subconscious, you’re hoping to delve into a bottle of tequila until you pass out unconscious. Your main goal in Cancun/South Padre Island/Panama City Beach is simple: just have as much fun as possible with your girlies/bros before returning to your grueling early childhood education major at state school. And why shouldn’t you have a little fun? After all, you pulled a solid 2.5 GPA this semester so you deserve to reward yourself for the improvement.

Spring breakers such as yourself also enjoy the following places:

  • The Caribbean – They want to do everything you’re doing, but on an island.
  • Lake Havasu, Arizona – They want to do everything you’re doing, but on an inner tube.
  • Belize – They want to do everything you’re doing, but on a zip line.

Europe

You are so above the whole stereotypical “spring break” thing, you know? Like, why would you want to be around a bunch of screaming idiots when you could be touring the Prado in Madrid or nibbling on Parisian treats at the café featured in the movie Amelie? To you, anyone who would choose to get day drunk on a beach rather than immerse themselves in European culture is childish and callow. And yes, you totally know that “childish” and “callow” mean basically the same thing but you’ve been around different languages in Europe for four days so your grasp on English is slipping. You’re just a sponge like that, soaking up new tongues. Just don’t tell your boyfriend back home about the other tongues that have been in your mouth on your “cultural” excursion.

The American West, via road trip

You have always felt a strong connection with the hippie movement of yesteryear, and prove so by hanging psychedelic tapestries on your dorm room wall. Your WASPy roommate doesn’t like them, but he just doesn’t get you, man. But screw him, because you are outta there. You borrowed your mom’s Passat, packed a bag full of weed, and trimmed your mutton chops — you’re ready for spring break and the road is your only destination. Maybe you’ll end up in San Francisco and meet a hirsute gal named Sage who will rock your world in the back of that Passat. Or perhaps you’ll find yourself doing peyote with a shaman in Joshua Tree National Park. Whatever happens, you just have to be back in eight days to turn in that macroeconomics paper.

Staying Home

As evidenced by the Costco-sized box of ramen stashed under your extra long twin bed, you are broke. How could you think about going on a trip when you barely have enough cash to buy shampoo? You’ve been using your suitemate’s Herbal Essences for like, two weeks and she is starting to notice your uncharacteristically voluminous locks. It’s only a matter of time before she has a grand mal seizure and starts marking the fullness of her toiletry bottles with a Sharpie. Oh wait, but she just left for Cancun this morning. That means you have another week of sudsy shower time, maybe more if she gets thrown in Mexican jail for trying to smuggle drugs across the border like she did last year. Score!

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Steven tried out for The Amazing Race one time and was denied. We're not saying this is why he started this site, but it may have been a contributing factor in his decision to explore the world online and share his travel inspiration with others.

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