With Trish gone, there are four people left on the beach. And one of them is Tony. So, welcome to The Tony Show.

What’s that? A boat? And it’s headed for the beach. It’s Kass’s husband, Woo’s brofest cousin, Tony’s dudebro friend, and Spencer’s sister who “loves him unconditionally.” Oh ha ha, Tony’s wife didn’t bother showing up. There’s a basket of juices and pastries that looks like the lousiest feast in the game.

Come on in guys! It’s one of those perch on a pole challenges, then some buckets and water, unlocking locks, and puzzling a puzzle. Unlike past visits from loved ones, the loved ones are sitting relatively comfortably on the sidelines watching Kass, Tony, Spencer, and Woo wobble on sticks. Kass is useless at this challenge, too afraid of falling off of her stick to gather any water. Tony grabs his key first but can’t jump into the water because he doesn’t know how to swim (what is wrong with you people going on Survivor without swimming skills?). Spencer is close behind and we all know how it turned out the last time Spencer and Tony went up against each other in a puzzle challenge.

Survivor season 28 final four

Woo joins the puzzle crew, leaving Kass teetering on her stick. Then, in an insane come-from-behind victory, Kass finally finds her way to the beach and solves the puzzle in no time flat. Holy cow, that was incredible! Go brains! Kass is in the final three, and you know what? She might actually win this thing.

To save his skin, Spencer tries to convince Tony that this season it’s a final two. Since he’s a super fan, Tony listens to his frazzled logic. Spencer’s pitch is that it makes sense to take him to a final two because…I’m not sure. I can’t follow his line of insane reasoning.

At Tribal Council, we learn that Spencer was actually right—it’s final two, not final three. But we don’t learn it until after the votes are read, and the votes are: Spencer, Woo, Spencer, Spencer. Which means Spencer goes home, and Woo and Kass kick themselves for not getting rid of Tony. It has an extra layer of sting when Tony reveals that his extra special magical Immunity Idol is powerless at that stage of the game.

That night, Kass and Woo vow to win the final Immunity Challenge and vote Tony out of the game. The final challenge is one heck of a maze. It looks to be the size of a football field and has a series of turnstile obstacles. Once out of the maze, there’s a cog puzzle. Woo gets out first followed by Tony and Kass bringing up the rear. Now, a puzzle. And we all know how good Tony is at puzzles….Kass brains her way back into the game but Woo steals her thunder, winning Immunity by less than one second for the closest finish in Survivor history. Well, at least it’s not Tony.

Tony’s pitch to Woo is that taking Kass means no loyalty or integrity, plus Kass has “stories”—“Kass played the game, you didn’t.” So…according to Tony, Woo can’t win against either player. Kass then likens Woo to a totally different Fabio than the one in my head. “You haven’t really hurt anybody, nobody really knows you, everybody hates me.”

It’s the final Tribal Council before the Very Final Tribal Council, and Woo puts an end to the jibber-jabber. He says that he doesn’t even want to hear from Kass or Tony but instead wants to go straight to the vote. Good for him. Woo votes out Kass, in possibly the dumbest move ever. Might as well just write Tony a check for a million bucks, Woo! Nobody ever gives the money to a coattail-rider. Ever. EVER! Remember Season One, where Richard Hatch, one of the most hated contestants in Survivor history, beat out Kelly Wiglesworth? Her loyalty meant nothing. All that mattered was that Richard ran the game. Tony is the new Richard, and Woo, you’re the new loser.

Survivor season 28 final two

Oh man. During the feast back at camp, Tony finds yet another secret clue. It sends him into the woods where he finds a mirror and a scale. That’s…weird. He shows Woo, and they laugh at their changed appearance.

Okay, so Woo might actually win this thing. His story about being a tae kwon do instructor and his mother as compared to Tony and his “it was all strategy” might win over the jury. Honor, integrity, feel-good words, it’s not bad.

Sarah’s pissed at Tony. Jeffra’s pissed at Tony (her hair looks fantastic considering the tropical humidity). Tony starts yammering about how he’s not a villain. Some other chick seems torn. Jeremiah wants to know if Tony really has a wife and baby since he swore on the life of his wife and baby which makes him the lowest form of life, so Woo gets Jeremiah’s vote. Tasha is confused by Woo’s airy logic. LJ, who’s he? Was he on the beach, too? Kass makes Woo explain his stupidity. He reasons that Tony deserved to sit there next to him, which is not a very good pitch for a vote. And then, Trish. Woo confesses that it was his idea to blindside her. She unleashes her wrath and a giant truth bomb on Tony—she’s the one who convinced the other players to trust him, because they trusted her, and he dumped all over that trust. In other words, Tony didn’t actually do anything to get where he was because the hard and dirty work was done by Trish. Oh right, Spencer. He likens Woo’s game to that of a dog, staying loyal to his owner, and makes an oddball pitch to the jury to vote for Tony because the way he played honors the game.

Just read the votes already, Jeff! Fast forward, and the votes are: Tony, Woo, Tony, Tony, Tony, ugh. Tony. And that’s enough, Tony is the winner of Survivor Season 28.

survivor season 28 winner tony

Well, I sort of agree with Jeff that this was one of the best seasons of Survivor. And Tony deserves the win. Good for him, I guess.

What did you think of this season of  Survivor?

images via CBS

Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an occasional attorney. Her life has not yet been turned into a reality television show. Follow her at @themisslinda.

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