Marissa and her friend Julie (who is going to be a lady despite her manly features) are yogaing in Marissa’s yoga space. Not a room—a space. There’s a difference, and the difference is one of those if-you-have-to-ask-you-can’t-afford things. I suspect they may be drunk, but whatever. It’s noon somewhere, right?
And all of the ladies are headed to Julie’s fiance’s family’s home, which has something to do with sandwiches. Annabelle sighs that she feels “so well looked aaaahftaaahhh” at Julie’s fiance’s family’s estate, which is known as Flopperton Gardens. There’s talk of lady sandwiches and creamed tea and champagne on the croquet lawn, and the staff has been fully briefed. Annabelle is the only lady invited to stay at the estate itself, while everyone else is stuck in a motel in a town just a few miles away. It has a lovely view of the train tracks, and on a clear day you can see the water shimmering on the moat, protecting Flopperton Gardens from the commoners. Which seems a little rude, right?
Flopperton Gardens seems a tad on the dilapidated side of “historical,” and is Lady Flopperton wearing tie dye? Juliet arrives dressed in traditional clown garb and needs to use the loo-slash-bathroom-slash-washroom-slash-toilet-slash-crapper. Caroline brought her makeup artist who must wait back at the motel until summoned. Caprice and Annabelle make their grand entrance dressed in breezy summer black.
Even though the ladies are staying all the way over at the town’s finest Budget Inn, they must change before meeting the Lady Floppington for a tour of the gaaaaahdens. Many wear their most formal Daisy Dukes, but Caroline opts for classically ripped jeans. Then, it’s time for clay pigeon shooting. Annabelle brings her own tweed vest and cap and shoots the heck out of those clay discs. When it’s Juliet’s turn, Caroline calls her stance, “Juliet mid-crap, I mean honestly!”
It’s finally time for champagne and a picnic lunch. The ladies learn that dinner will be venison, and Juliet freaks out because Bambi. She insists on not eating Bambi, which the other ladies deem to be an insult, so the stage is set for an awkward meal.
One wardrobe change later, and dinner is served. Many jokes are made about the costumes. Juliet is dressed like a scullery maid, Caroline’s vagina is showing in Saint Tropez, a world-renowned cellist is wearing a t-shirt and no cello, and Noelle is giving two ostriches a piggyback ride on her shoulders. In sum, when Caprice is the most elegant looking person at a dinner party, you know something has gone terribly wrong with the guest list.
At the end of the meal, Caroline and Juliet slip out for a cigarette (which even this stupid American knows is rude rude rude). When they return, Bambi is served. Caprice negotiates a bargain wherein Noelle trades Juliet a hunk of meat for a pile of veggies. Plates are passed and, it is…weird? Bizarre, but not in a quirky way. Then, Juliet asks Annabelle to meet her in what I can only imagine is the drawing room for the Battle of Passive Aggression.
Much to the producer’s dismay, the Juliet and Annabelle thing fizzles faster than a cheap cava. The party ends, but Caprice hangs back to try and get in with the cool kids. Have I mentioned that Caprice’s maternity dress is gorgeous? It’s a long blue flowing blue satin floral cut in a way that shows off just the right goods. And I hate loving her dress, because she is fairly awful. Over at the Motel 6, Caroline’s houseboy serves the ladies pink champagne in bed. For once, everyone is content.
Next week, Caprice ditches the ladies for a better time elsewhere, and Marissa wants to toss Juliet out the window.
photos via Bravo