It’s the twelfth and final leg, and it sends teams to Las Vegas. And oh, surprise! Brendon and Rachel live in Las Vegas. Of course they do, because it’s the tackiest place on earth. The Howells leave first at 4:31 a.m., followed by My Family Is Famous a few minutes later. When Brendon and Rachel rip open their envelope, the squeeling can be heard all the way across the pond.
Everyone’s on the same flight, and there’s talk about Rachel pushing one of the blonde chicks. Anyway, they’re all headed for the dessert and are told to get out of their cars and dig. Nowhere in particular, just…dig. The Howells find a box that says, “David Copperfield.” The instructions say to open the box, but there’s nothing to open it with so the teams start prying. Brendon and Rachel find keys.
Roadblock! Teams will be locked inside of a wooden crate and must find the one key that will undo their shackles. Then, they will look for lock picks outside of the crate, something about a crane, and there’s David Copperfield. The youngest Howell is blindfolded and led off to his crate followed by the blonde called “Jen” and Rachel.
The Howell kid unlocks his handcuffs first, but now he has to pick a lock. This is by far the least exciting final Roadblock ever…until they light the crate on fire and suspend it twenty feet in the air. Then it’s, like, the third least exciting Roadblock. The Howells receive their next clue, and it sends them to the Neon Boneyard Museum where they must search for their next clue. Brendon and Rachel are next, with My Family Is Famous bringing up the rear.
Brendon and Rachel say that if they win the race, they’re going to have babies. Well, that’s another reason to root for any other team. The clue tells The Howells to take a certain light bulb and go to the employee entrance of The Mirage. Rachel used to work at The Mirage, and that’s enough to give you nightmares. On their way out, Rachel and Brendon try to steal another cab because their cab driver sucks, but the nice cab driver wouldn’t leave his passengers in the dust.
Somehow, My Family Is Famous get to the clue box first. The clue sends them up into the air to replace and count the light bulbs in the “I” of The Mirage’s sign. The Howells are five minutes behind, and Brendon and Rachel are still struggling with their slowpoke cab driver. They get out of their cab early and run for it because Rachel is convinced that she knows where the employee entrance is from her years of working at the hotel. Somehow, they’re inside the hotel and running around the employee hallways. They decide that they have to search the hotel for their clue, and it’s delightful watching them struggle with very simple instructions. They call each other “babe” a few dozen times and finally stumble on the clue box.
The Howells blaze past My Family Is Famous, but they have the wrong light bulb count. They finish first but the girls are very close behind. In a footrace, the elder Howell will lose.
The next clue sends teams to Maverick Helicopters in Henderson, Nevada. And by teams, I mean everyone except Brendon and Rachel who are still on top of the sign. Ugh. Rachel is whining about “I want a baby so bad,” as if there’s no way to conceive a child unless you win The Amazing Race.
Roadblock! Skydive to the finish line from a helicopter in a blinking jumpsuit. But first, they must spot a sign on the Las Vegas Strip with their landing zone. The editing indicates that Brendon and Rachel are out of contention. The funny thing is, Rachel is crying about how “I don’t want to come in second, I want to come in first,” when she’s pretty much set to come in third at best.
Both the Howells and My Family Is Famous spot the sign that says the Race ends at the Mother Speedway. This is weird. The other half of the teams are already there waiting for them to skydive down to the field. Thanks to the blinking supersuits, nobody can tell which person is skydiving to the finish line. Well, we know it’s not Brendon and Rachel, so for me it’s already a win-win.
And it’s Mr. Howell! The father and son run to the mat and win another million dollars, which makes Dave the oldest winner of The Amazing Race and the first winning parent and child team. My Family Is Famous check in as Team Number Two, also known as First Loser.
Now I can just kick back and watch Brendon and Rachel lose much more badly than expected. Rachel weeps on the ground as Brendon hurls his useless self towards her at not-high-enough speed to check in as Team Number Three.
Thanks for being such great spectators. The next season of The Amazing Race is the one I was supposed to be on, if anyone from the show ever bothered to call from my spectacular audition video. But I’m not bitter at all. Nope. I’ll still watch from the comforts of my couch and pine on how much better I could have done each Roadblock because after a million episodes, this is still the best reality show on television.
What did you think of this season of The Amazing Race?
(images via CBS)