It’s time for our Brew Dogs recap, this time, we’re getting festive! 

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Yes, you heard me right. It’s Saint Patrick’s Day in Chicago, and two Scottish brewmasters are going to make the most delicious green beer you’ve ever tasted. Well, not really tasted, since this is television. More like thinking about tasting.

brew dogs recap season 2

Chicago is the third biggest city in America, behind New York and… New York? James and Martin visit Revolution Brewing to drink some craft beer and figure out how to brew a beer that is green in color, green in flavor, and green in the brewing process. They start with an IPA because it comes in a green can. It tastes like an aristocratic fox in a bow tie eating caramel biscuit cookies. While that sounds delicious, they want to add a bit of organic local whiskey. Whiskey beer? Not the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

Someone decides to make beer using the power of wind, and it sends everyone up to a cold, windy, skyscraper rooftop in what looks like winter but is probably just a crisp Chicago spring. You know what beer brewing needs? Traditional Irish folk music. More beer tasting, awkward smiles at a local Irish pub, and do not play that bagpipe, sir. No, do not. Stop it! STOP IT! The sound is like a cat trying to climb a chalkboard in a room filled with crying babies.

Yay! A listicle! Here are the top five craft breweries in Chicago, according to two Scotsmen :

5. Piece Brewery and Pizzeria

4. Half Acre Beer Company

3. Haymarket Pub Brewery

2. Pipeworks Brewing Co.

1. 3 Floyds Brewing Co.

Okay, back to the green beer brewing debacle. James and Martin talk to the men who dye the river green every year. Wow, do they look mobbed up or what? Not much is learned because everything is a secret. “The first rule of green river club is don’t say nothin’ or you might end up at the bottom of the green river.” The most we glean is that “it’s similar to vegetable dye.” Thanks for that, scary men. Next is Moto, a Michelin-starred restaurant with a totally green basement farm. But wait! It gets better! Paddy Long’s in Lincoln Park pairs beer and bacon! What?! There’s dessert bacon?! I need to go to Chicago right now.

The final ingredient is whiskey from Koval, Chicago’s first distillery. James and Martin retrieve the whiskey from a woman in a very unflattering yellow sweater. As the river gets prepped with something “similar to vegetable dye,” the boys arrive at their rooftop wind powered brewing station. The beer is being brewed with river water. That sounds gross even after it’s explained that the chlorine has been filtered out of the water.

Gasp! Another listicle! The top five craft beer bars in Chicago are:

5. Maria’s packaged goods & Community bar

4. The Publican

3. The Map Room

2. Local Option

1. Hopleaf

The green river looks diseased. There, I said it. Anyway, these wind turbines start the process purring and beer begins…hopping? Boiling? Yes! Hops! I knew that. The green coloring doesn’t get added until after fermentation, and it’s made from the chlorophyll of microgreens. James and Martin unveil the greenest beer in the world to a thirsty Chicago crowd at Revolution Brewing and, well, it’s kind of like a brownish greenish mucky liquid. Everyone seems happy even though it tastes like a salad because in the end, it’s beer.

Next week, it’s the most expensive beer ever brewed in, where else, Las Vegas.

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Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an avid traveler. Her goal is to hug a penguin in Antarctica while running The Amazing Race. Follow her at @themisslinda.

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